Today is dipabali. The festival of light. All around people are decorating their houses and themselves with most intricate light and color decors. I just spent the whole day looking at people decked up with dazzling sarees, matching jewelries and lovely makeup. As for the houses, last couple of weeks they have been getting face lifts. People are getting new furniture, cleaning up their kitchens, putting decorative lights up on their balconies.
We also did our bit. My religious family has done their puja and decorated house with flowers. The only thing, I had to do, was to light the diyas. I did it wrong. I was lighting one diya with another one. That’s wrong. You are supposed to light a match or a candle and then light all diyas with them. Question slipped out of my lips why … That was stupid. I admit. After all, all games have their rules. One can always ask why on earth on one particular day all of us put up candles and lights around our house and make loads of noise? There is no answer. It’s quite illogical. On the other hand, when we look out of the window and see the whole city lit up with lights, sky bright with so many firecrackers, so many colors it’s just so damn pretty. Of course the loud noise cannot be so nice of old, young or sick who are trying to catch some rest. Or poor dogs and cats. Or poorer mother earth, who already is bogged down by so many problems, but will have no break tonight, in this noise and sulfur laced happy occasion. But then all games have rules. And after all what is life but a game with rules? Rules that we make up. And what fun a game would be if the rules don’t have a little variety. And besides if all rules are easy and fair and everybody wins, who will lose? And if nobody loses what kind of a stupid game will that be?
For example think about the Taliban. The way I see them, just bunch of men (with something obviously frustrating them) want to play a game. They want every man to wear beards. Why? May be they think they look pretty in them, who the hell knows? They want to break up beautiful ancient structures, again why? Again who knows? I mean it’s just the game of life for them. Every day you open the paper to find some new rules they have invented. Few weeks back they figured the official veils that women wear were not thick and stiff enough, so they specified the exact kind of fabric to use for the veil. Frankly I didn’t find it any more disturbing than the advertises that I get bombarded with every day saying, I am just not cool enough, because I don’t wear a certain company tailored jean, or my lipstick just doesn’t have that shine. Or my destiny has lost the sparkle due to the lack of diamonds in my earlobes. Of course you can tell me no one is forcing me to follow. On the other hand, we have seen scores of women processions against ban against burkhas, they fear eternal hell if they don’t wear the headgear. Why is that any different from my young relatives’ fear of being identified as village bumpkins, if they don’t wear certain cut jean?
Today’s newspaper had news that talibans whipped two young girls as punishments. What was the crime? They were wearing bras. Islam religion does not allow it, it’s obviously abomination. The news made me wonder. I mean imagine the foresight of the prophet, so many years ago, he saw into future and what did he saw? He saw bras!!! I mean wow! And only few years back bra burning was THE ultimate statement of women liberation. So I guess prophet must have been an ultra feminist ha?
Now I have not read the Koran. But something somehow tells me, the prophet didn’t have much to say on the subject of women’s undergarments. Of course I can be wrong, either way one must agree, it’s just the rules of the game, old or new.
Anyway, rules, old or new sometimes just do not make any sense. But we make them up as we go along life; we follow some which were invented before us. Sometimes we light up our house and sometimes we whip young girls. After all what is life without a little variety? After all if in the game nobody loses, what stupid and boring game will that be?
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Friday, October 09, 2009
23rd September
My daughter was born 23rd September 2008. I still remember the moment. THE moment. After 12 hours of labor and what seemed like ages of pushing I looked down and shouted “IT’S A GIRL!!!”.
Actually for previous 3 months everyone I met and talked with, kept on telling me how all the “symptoms” of my pregnancy surely predicts a boy. I went from “what rubbish” to “cant be true” to “oh alright! I know of some men who turned out to be okey, my baba, my husband, amitabho ghosh …”. Stupid laws in india doesn’t let you determine sex of the fetus so I had to spend my last trimester of pregnancy in increasing feeling of accepting-the-fate.
So you might be able to understand the smile I had when I realized my little prince is a princess after all. I started smiling even when doctors where stitching me up (and ask any mother that’s not pleasant) and I don’t think I ever managed to wipe that stupid smile off my face ever since. My smile got more and more stupid with my daughters every feat, first smile, first tooth, first step, first word. I managed to come out of the downs in my life since with that stupid smile, which without my daughter would have pushed me into crisis. The stupid smile my daughter brought to my life was actually not so stupid after all.
This year 23rd September, we had a whole day of celebration. We had two cakes cut, two birthday celebrations. My daughter had plenty presents (Though thank god she does not understand concept of gifts yet, not yet Dudley dursley ) , she had ma, papa, two sets of grandparents, mashi, chacha, chachi cheering her whole day. With her every goo goos and gagas we pronouced what a genius she would be, every smile we predicted a beauty queen in making.
Today in newspaper I read about these twin girls born in 23rd September 2009. They were born premature, so were kept in incubator and were in nursing home since. They were only given to their mother for breastfeeding. Few days back when they were given to their mother, the mother slit the throat of one child while the grandmother throttled the other one. It’s a costly business to raise one daughter; raising two was out of question. Besides the premature twins were already incurring too much medical expense.
They say when you feel there is no god, no justice; you should remember to be thankful to the universe, for what you have. I thank my fate, for I was born the way I was born. I thank, the universe, for letting me live, even though I was born a girl. I thank god, for not making me kill my own child, even though she is born a girl.
Actually for previous 3 months everyone I met and talked with, kept on telling me how all the “symptoms” of my pregnancy surely predicts a boy. I went from “what rubbish” to “cant be true” to “oh alright! I know of some men who turned out to be okey, my baba, my husband, amitabho ghosh …”. Stupid laws in india doesn’t let you determine sex of the fetus so I had to spend my last trimester of pregnancy in increasing feeling of accepting-the-fate.
So you might be able to understand the smile I had when I realized my little prince is a princess after all. I started smiling even when doctors where stitching me up (and ask any mother that’s not pleasant) and I don’t think I ever managed to wipe that stupid smile off my face ever since. My smile got more and more stupid with my daughters every feat, first smile, first tooth, first step, first word. I managed to come out of the downs in my life since with that stupid smile, which without my daughter would have pushed me into crisis. The stupid smile my daughter brought to my life was actually not so stupid after all.
This year 23rd September, we had a whole day of celebration. We had two cakes cut, two birthday celebrations. My daughter had plenty presents (Though thank god she does not understand concept of gifts yet, not yet Dudley dursley ) , she had ma, papa, two sets of grandparents, mashi, chacha, chachi cheering her whole day. With her every goo goos and gagas we pronouced what a genius she would be, every smile we predicted a beauty queen in making.
Today in newspaper I read about these twin girls born in 23rd September 2009. They were born premature, so were kept in incubator and were in nursing home since. They were only given to their mother for breastfeeding. Few days back when they were given to their mother, the mother slit the throat of one child while the grandmother throttled the other one. It’s a costly business to raise one daughter; raising two was out of question. Besides the premature twins were already incurring too much medical expense.
They say when you feel there is no god, no justice; you should remember to be thankful to the universe, for what you have. I thank my fate, for I was born the way I was born. I thank, the universe, for letting me live, even though I was born a girl. I thank god, for not making me kill my own child, even though she is born a girl.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Confession of an unorganised mind
Its 5 am in the morning can’t sleep.
Today my parents left for Kolkata. They came just for two weeks, so from the day they arrived the joy of having them in my house was somewhat marred by the fact that they will be leaving so soon. On the top of it, baba not being well and oli falling suddenly sick in the middle of it ... it was not the best of trip for them.
How I still managed to enjoy it though? I suppose seeing oli interact with my parents and my sister made up for everything. It was so much fun seeing her play and relax with them. Every time I felt the pang of their leaving so soon, she came up with one more game with didi or baba to take my mind of it.
Should I be worried about it? I am an obese (73kg as off 3 mins ago), unemployed (9 months and 19 days right now), obsessive mother. I don’t do anything that does not concern my daughter. And every thought positive and negative seems to circling around her. Every work I do or don’t seems to be for her.
It was such an easy habit to get into ... not really a bad habit either, for some time I think oli gained from it and I had the gratification of being a full time mother. Now as every day goes by my doubts keep on springing their heads, shouting louder and louder, asking whether I should start cutting myself off from her a little ... by little. Whether that would be just as good for her, as it would be for me. Question is, how to do it?
Like an addiction I fell into this habit, now whenever I feel I absolutely get out it, I start giving myself excuses.
But the other moms always had jobs, they never lost it, so they had to start early, so it was easier
But the other moms always had a job, they wouldn’t have to start a new job with a small child.
But the other moms had good help, nanny, ayah
But the other moms are just not that attached
How does a person who has lost pretty much everything she signified as her life gains it back?
I suppose by prioritizing things, arranging help, making a list of things to be done, setting themselves some goals and go about achieving them.
hmmmm. So how does an unorganized mind do it?
Today my parents left for Kolkata. They came just for two weeks, so from the day they arrived the joy of having them in my house was somewhat marred by the fact that they will be leaving so soon. On the top of it, baba not being well and oli falling suddenly sick in the middle of it ... it was not the best of trip for them.
How I still managed to enjoy it though? I suppose seeing oli interact with my parents and my sister made up for everything. It was so much fun seeing her play and relax with them. Every time I felt the pang of their leaving so soon, she came up with one more game with didi or baba to take my mind of it.
Should I be worried about it? I am an obese (73kg as off 3 mins ago), unemployed (9 months and 19 days right now), obsessive mother. I don’t do anything that does not concern my daughter. And every thought positive and negative seems to circling around her. Every work I do or don’t seems to be for her.
It was such an easy habit to get into ... not really a bad habit either, for some time I think oli gained from it and I had the gratification of being a full time mother. Now as every day goes by my doubts keep on springing their heads, shouting louder and louder, asking whether I should start cutting myself off from her a little ... by little. Whether that would be just as good for her, as it would be for me. Question is, how to do it?
Like an addiction I fell into this habit, now whenever I feel I absolutely get out it, I start giving myself excuses.
But the other moms always had jobs, they never lost it, so they had to start early, so it was easier
But the other moms always had a job, they wouldn’t have to start a new job with a small child.
But the other moms had good help, nanny, ayah
But the other moms are just not that attached
How does a person who has lost pretty much everything she signified as her life gains it back?
I suppose by prioritizing things, arranging help, making a list of things to be done, setting themselves some goals and go about achieving them.
hmmmm. So how does an unorganized mind do it?
Monday, June 08, 2009
Healthy enough to die?
Have you ever read a book, that scares the living day light out of you? No, I am not referring any Stephan king series. I am talking about Paulo Coelho. Veronika decides to die. I have only started reading the book, about the girl who decides to commit suicide, because .... well its the because that is scary. Quoting the book, "she was was not killing herself because she was a sad embittered woman, constantly depressed. ... She believed herself to be completely normal. Two very simple reasons lay behind her decision to die, and she was sure that were she to leave a note explaining, many people would agree with her.
The first reason: everything in her life was the same and, once her youth was gone, it would be downhill all the way, with old age beginning to leave irreversible marks, the onset of illness, the departure of friends. She would gain nothing by continuing to live; indeed, the likelihood of suffering only increased.
The second reason was more philosophical; Veronika read the newspapers, watched TV, and she was aware of what was going on in the world. Everything was wrong, and she had no way of putting things right-that gave her a sense of complete powerlessness."
The book goes on, where in simple and logical way she plans her suicide, she does not want her landlord to have to clean up a pool of blood, so she decides against slashing her wrists. She does not want her parents to suffer recognizing her disfigured body, so she decides not to jump off a building or hang herself. Instead she chooses sleeping pills.
In a twist of fate though, she doesn't die, after taking all the sleeping pills, someone saves her. And then again, she was obliged to look at the life that lies before her. She would go back to her life, an nondescript job, tasteless meals, pointless gossips and meaningless affairs. And then one day, giving up to everyone's nagging, she would marry a man "whom I oblige myself to love". As time will go by the marriage will fall apart, first by losing interest in each other and then through infidelity. But she will keep having babies, which will make them "feel closer to each other for a while and then the situation will go back to what it was before".
Then "I will beginning to put on weight l and I'll start to go on diets, systematically defeated each day, each week, by the weight that keeps creeping up regardless of the controls I put on it. Meanwhile I will have more children. I'll tell everyone that the children are my reason for living, when in reality my life is their reason of living." And so on life will go on, and she will go on " spending all day thinking about suicide, without having courage to do anything about it".
So she decides she was right. "It was best to put an end to everything now, while she was still brave and healthy enough to die".
What scares me, is how logical it all sounds! I understand this is a critically acclaimed book and a known inspirational read. So I am guessing by the end of the book, Veronika will find something that changes the monotonous passivity. Cause as the things stand in this book, I am afraid to read another line. I keep saying, but I felt that, but I thought that and keep on agreeing with someone who thinks best thing you can do with your life is to end it.
The first reason: everything in her life was the same and, once her youth was gone, it would be downhill all the way, with old age beginning to leave irreversible marks, the onset of illness, the departure of friends. She would gain nothing by continuing to live; indeed, the likelihood of suffering only increased.
The second reason was more philosophical; Veronika read the newspapers, watched TV, and she was aware of what was going on in the world. Everything was wrong, and she had no way of putting things right-that gave her a sense of complete powerlessness."
The book goes on, where in simple and logical way she plans her suicide, she does not want her landlord to have to clean up a pool of blood, so she decides against slashing her wrists. She does not want her parents to suffer recognizing her disfigured body, so she decides not to jump off a building or hang herself. Instead she chooses sleeping pills.
In a twist of fate though, she doesn't die, after taking all the sleeping pills, someone saves her. And then again, she was obliged to look at the life that lies before her. She would go back to her life, an nondescript job, tasteless meals, pointless gossips and meaningless affairs. And then one day, giving up to everyone's nagging, she would marry a man "whom I oblige myself to love". As time will go by the marriage will fall apart, first by losing interest in each other and then through infidelity. But she will keep having babies, which will make them "feel closer to each other for a while and then the situation will go back to what it was before".
Then "I will beginning to put on weight l and I'll start to go on diets, systematically defeated each day, each week, by the weight that keeps creeping up regardless of the controls I put on it. Meanwhile I will have more children. I'll tell everyone that the children are my reason for living, when in reality my life is their reason of living." And so on life will go on, and she will go on " spending all day thinking about suicide, without having courage to do anything about it".
So she decides she was right. "It was best to put an end to everything now, while she was still brave and healthy enough to die".
What scares me, is how logical it all sounds! I understand this is a critically acclaimed book and a known inspirational read. So I am guessing by the end of the book, Veronika will find something that changes the monotonous passivity. Cause as the things stand in this book, I am afraid to read another line. I keep saying, but I felt that, but I thought that and keep on agreeing with someone who thinks best thing you can do with your life is to end it.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Summer heat
I have just realized something; places like Noida are made up by global conspirators. They want global warming and quick end of fossil fuel. I mean, its 40+ in summer (and mind you we are just starting) and 5- in winter. You canNOT survive without AC during summer and without heater in the rest of the two months. And leaving the 3 days a year, when it actually rains, it’s always so dry! Even if you are not one of those delicate kinds who need humidifier, on the top of heater/ac, you at least always need one cream or other.
I think our ancestors got it right, always place your city near a river bank or coastline. Why can’t all the cities shift to places like Goa? Imagine the amount of money we will save. Not only in electricity etc, but also there is no need to spend money to go anywhere for annual holiday ... you live there!
I think our ancestors got it right, always place your city near a river bank or coastline. Why can’t all the cities shift to places like Goa? Imagine the amount of money we will save. Not only in electricity etc, but also there is no need to spend money to go anywhere for annual holiday ... you live there!
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